The Cast of EVA Gets Good Advice
by Author0fntent
Summary: The troubled souls of Neon Genesis Evangelion get some life coaching...Allan Sherman-style!


***Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax, Khara or the songbook of Allan Sherman.***

The motto of NERV was "GOD'S IN HIS HEAVEN, ALL'S RIGHT WITH THE WORLD". Except the truth is, _not all_ was right with the world. Mainly for a handful of specific souls who worked for the UN-backed paramilitary organization, whether as a pilot for the colossal Evangelions, in a command position (who _wasn't_ Gendo Ikari), or as a member of the support staff. Everybody and their grandmother knew this, and one particular individual knew this all too well. While he wasn't much of a talker, not many knew that, despite appearances, he was a good listener and did understand a lot of what was discussed in his presence. He listened as they groaned and moaned about the many woes plaguing their neuroses day in and day out, till finally, he decided to stop listening and do something about it.

One day, Pen-Pen-the warm-water penguin that called the apartment of NERV operations chief Misato Katsuragi home-decided that not all was right with the world, whether or not God was in his heaven. He decided that the people in or around his orbit directly or indirectly needed a slight push to better themselves. So on that very same day, he slipped on a pair of horn-rimmed glasses and a bowtie, and got to work...through song...

**[Sung to the tune of "Good Advice" by Allan Sherman.]**

_I know a girl named Asuka, pilots EVA-02,_

_And her heart was filled with pride._

_I said to Asuka Sohryu, "What's with you and the Third?"_

_She said, "His wimpiness I can't abide."_

_So I said, "Asuka Sohryu, if you take my advice,_

_You'll see he's quite a decent guy._

_They say a little kindness goes an awful long way,_

_All you've got to do is try."_

_And that was good advice, good advice-_

_'Cause now she and Shinji are busy makin' nice._

_I sincerely doubt,_

_That those two could do without,_

_My good...ad-...vice._

_Mister Shinji Ikari came back home on one day,_

_His face was all sullen and down._

_He said he didn't get, what's got Asuka so upset,_

_Or what he did to make her frown._

_I said, "Shinji, you baka, take my advice:_

_just talk to her and see what's on her mind._

_And if you listen closely, she might just open up,_

_And who knows? She might just treat you kind."_

_And that was good advice, good advice-_

_They both went and chanced it, found it's worth the price._

_Their world's a better place,_

_Since I know they're keepin' pace,_

_with my good...ad-...vice._

_A blue-haired girl named Rei liked to be on her own,_

_but in truth, she's as lonely as can be._

_She said, "I'd like someone to talk to, my existence is so drab._

_How will I know, if the others like me?"_

_I said, "Ayanami, it's not that hard, just go and say 'hi'. _

_Don't overthink it, it's really quite simple."_

_I continued, "Gendo's orders? Hell with 'em! Go out and live a little, _

_and hey, be glad you haven't got a pimple."_

_And that was good advice, good advice-_

_Not that hard to take, with a zero-sum price._

_Now she's got more friends,_

_time with them she greatly spends,_

_Thanks to good...ad-...vice._

_Misato Katsuragi is a hardworking gal,_

_and at night is when she hits the skids._

_I said, "Misato, bubeleh, this just can't go on-_

_Won't you please try to think about the kids?"_

_And Misato, what she said? "I try, I really do-but our line of work just asks too much._

_Try raising broken teens who've been forced into battle-see where I am? Mentally, as such."_

_I said, "Misato, you fool, neither one of 'em's tool. You can help them, by taking time to talk."_

_Before she could object, she took a moment to reflect, and from there, didn't bother to balk._

_And that was good advice, good advice-_

_She's engagin' with them, every day to be precise._

_Now they're closer as can be_

_(and she's chugging less you see),_

_Due to good...ad-...vice._

_Hikari and Toji are the pilots' two friends,_

_the nicest pair of kids you've ever seen._

_They're crushin' on each other-not so secretly, you bet._

_Oh to be in love, so young, as a teen..._

_I said, "Yo, kiddos, what're you waiting for? What's holding you back?"_

_They said, "It feels awkward, it's hard, that's the thing."_

_I said, "You fools, you're only young once, don't be so scared,_

_'cause young love'll make both of your hearts sing."_

_And that was good advice, good advice-_

_Now those two're steady, since they've gone out thrice!_

_Their romance isn't heady,_

_but it helps that they were ready,_

_'Cause of good...ad-...viiiiiiice!_

**(One more time!)**

_Ryoji Kaji is a hell of a spy, _

_as well as a charming, and suave kind of fellow._

_In-between his snooping, to his melons always tending,_

_and livin' life perfectly mellow._

_One day I said, "Kaji, here's a thought, bring Misato in the loop."_

_To which he said, "No way am I risking her neck._

_Besides, she wants nothing to do with me..."_

_And I said, "Kaji, that's a load of total dreck."_

_I told him "Kaji, look in her eyes, tell her you've gotten wise,_

_and tell her self-pity ta go ta heck."_

_And that was good advice, good advice-_

_They since have reconciled. (And gotten busy twice!)_

_It only gets better-bringin' SEELE down together,_

_Thanks to good...ad-...vice._

_Ritsuko Akagi is for sure her mother's kid:_

_workaholic, scientific genius._

_Add in her taste in men, and you'll indicate just then_

_that the two are definitely congenious._

_One day she said "I'm sick of this, my love life's awful, the man's a creep._

_Is there someone who'd actually love me?"_

_And I said "Ritzy, don't be ditzy, and really don't get blitz-y,_

_there's plenty of fish in the sea."_

_And that was good advice, good advice-_

_No need to spend a penny, 'cause there is no price._

_Her parting was amicable,_

_from a man so despicable,_

_Thanks to good...ad-...vice._

_Maya Ibuki loves her sempai so much._

_Had she told her? Nope, 'cause on that, she's shy._

_So she keeps it hidden, her love unrequited,_

_While said sempai's bein' torrid with this guy. _**[Holds up picture of Gendo.]**

_Well one day, I tell her, "Here's a hypothetical:_

_Would you talk to her, if I told you she's free?"_

_She said "I would!", then I coached her; pretty soon she did get bolder..._

_and the rest they say is his-to-ry! _

_And that was good advice, good advice-_

_Better than relying on a roll of the dice._

_Ritzy's found her love,_

_Maya's flyin' like a dove, _

_since she took good...ad-...vice._

_Gendo Ikari is as cruel as they come,_

_always plannin', and plottin', his schemes._

_In his office, always dismal, with a mood that's just abysmal,_

_and a face that launched a million memes._

_One day he decides, on a whim, "What the hell? Perhaps this place could use a few plants."_

_So I give him a suggestion, he gets three large Venus Flytraps, _

_which then proceed to chomp at his pants..._

_And that was bad advice, bad advice-_

_With that you always pony up and pay the price._

_His choice of words he isn't mincing, since below the waist he's wincing,_

_'Cause of bad...adddd-...viiiiiiice!_

**Good night, everybody!**

****Author's Note(s)****

**I know, another really odd mash-up, right? EVA and the musical comedy stylings of the 60's "Weird Al" himself, the late great Allan Sherman. I listened to "Good Advice" for the first time recently, and soon enough, my gears started turning. I mean really-wouldn't the horrors of EVA's universe be avoided if a lot of those sad sacks were given, what else, good advice?**


End file.
